The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
