I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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