Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
