Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Don't tell me you're on acid again
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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