We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
