Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
