i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
