I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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