I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I could fuck to npr.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
