There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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