I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
