Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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