I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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