I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
