It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
