Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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