party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
