There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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