I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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