I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
In America we eat man semen.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
