Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
