there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
