just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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