he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
BRING THE BAGELS
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
