ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You left your phone here
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