he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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