It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
