Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
