I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
