Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
