jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
