Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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