Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
