Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.