I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
