I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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