I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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