textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
