i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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