she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
