Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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