Too much gin, very little bucket
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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