I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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