I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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