theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
