Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
