i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
