1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sponge bath it is.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
