I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
