Moan for me like Helen Keller
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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