I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How does one acquire holy water?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
