Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
