On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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