grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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