plz talk dirty to me
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
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I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
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This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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