Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
