Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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